A’ had booked masel intae daein’ the Edinburgh Festival in 2011 and ma arse started tae get a bit twitchy especially cause a’ hadnae performed a gig in ower a year and there arenae any comedy clubs oot here in sunny Antalya, where a’ could get some practice in afore a’ throwin’ masel in at the deep end fur 18 one hour gigs in 21 days during August.
So, with that in mind a’ thought a’ would gotae a place called Fethiye, which is aboot 4 hoors drive fae Antalya in Turkey, tae see if there would be any bars or wherever that a’ could sort ae hijack and try tae set masel up wi’ a gig or twa cause the place is apparently full ae British tourists in June and July or so a’ had heard.
Ok. so it wiz a long shot but a’ wiz desperate and a’ kind ae needed a break anyway. Sometimes its guid tae change the backdrop even fur jist a short time tae allow new energy in or su’hin like that.
So, aff a’ set wi’ ma sexy hot Russian burd Natasha by ma side.
Ma American pal Callie recommended a Pansiyon (small hotel) so we went tae that yin and settled in fur an hoor or twa afore we went fur a bite tae eat, wi’ ma balls more than a bit lighter if ye catch ma drift.
A’ hiv this pair ae guitar sunglasses which ma Auntie offered me when her son, ma cousin, said he didnae want them. A’ aboot took her hand aff when a’ grabbed them as they are awesome beyond wurds. It is amazin’ hoo such a simple ‘hing can bring so much joy intae this wurld cause everywhere we walked people smiled and gied me the thumbs up.
They allow ye tae get awa’ wi’ shit as well, that ye wouldnae normally get awa wi’. Fur instance there wiz nae yin in the cafe we went tae fur grub so a’ asked if a’ could play ma music box and they said nae problem and encouraged me to play it loud and even gave Natasha an ashtray tae smoke inside.
Aftir that we went tae a fountain where Natasha thought it would be a guid idea tae take her sandals aff and climb inside. She beckoned me in and ye ken me, a’ jist cannae turn doon hot womens requests, whitever they may be.
The stories a’ could tell ye aboot ma lack ae foresight and mare tae the point trouble in this department would make yer dick limp fur a week, provided ye are a man obviously. Women, ye would jist be repelled at ma weakness but a’ dare say ye would try and use it tae yer advantage if we ever met. (just plantin’ seeds) 😉
Anyway, a’ climbed inside wi’ ma music box in ma bag and we had a slow dance tae Sam Cooke’s – You Send Me. Never let it be said that Scotsmen arnae romantic. We were getting’ a few strange but somehoo respectful looks fae the other folk sittin’ around the fountain. The should hae joined in the fun. Life is short folks ye gotta grab opportunites at any opportunity. Lol.
We had a wee walk aroond the beautiful harbour before heading back tae the Pansiyon tae get ready fur the nicht oot. A’ didnae want tae burst ontae the scene in full tartan regalia straight awa’ so a’ tamed it doon a bit and jist wore ma green fish shirt. It’s a mad life aricht!
A’ hiv a friend in Antalya whae used tae live in Fethiye so a’ asked him the best pub tae visit and he recommended The Bus Stop. He didn’t tell me it wiz in Calis Beach though which is aboot a 40 minute bus ride awa’ fae Fethiye but we went there anyway as the owner ae the Pansion telt us that is where the British Troubl…..er sorry, Holidaymakers, hang oot.
Upon arriving we were surprised tae spot The Bus Stop and even mare surprised tae see it wiz a beautifully decorated Karaoke Bar. Bingo! Jist whit a’ wiz lookin’ fur and a’ also had the owners name, Tansu, tae introduce masel wi’ as ma pal had asked me tae say Hello tae him fae him, which a’ promptly did.
Aboot half an hoor later (a’ played it cool) a’ put ma name doon fur a song and launched intae Suspicious Minds wi’ gutso tae an unsuspectin’ rather reserved audience. Ye kin watch the performance in full below.
Suspicious Minds
So as ye could see if ye watched it, it went doon no’ tae bad considerin’ a’ cannae hit a note tae save masel. Yep, a’ jist go fur the performance factor and hope that is enough tae carry me ower the line. Tansu wiz certainly impressed as he gave me a free cocktail normally only reserved fur those whae sing 3 songs, or maybe he wiz jist makin’ sure a’ didnae try an’ sing again. On top ae that we were given some Birthday cake by a table who had 3 people celebrating their 60th!
A’ still had a bad back at this point though and wiz in total agony as a’ sat doon aftir the performance. But the show must go on, eh?
So a’ few mare drinks later it wiz the end ae the nicht and by this time we were fairly pished. A’ got talkin’ tae a lovely lass called Amy who claimed she wiz the strongest women in the wurld and so we put that to the test and her and Natasha had an arm wrestle which Amy won.
Hooever, a’ telt her aboot ma website and she wanted tae be on it tae prove tae the wurld hoo strong she wiz so we set up anothir arm wrestlin’ comp and filmed it. A’ willnae spoil yer enjoyment by tellin’ ye whae won the battle between England and Russia fur the womens arm wrestling Bus Stop champ, well, fur that particular nicht anyway.
Arm Wrestling
We were actually plannin’ on goin’ tae Hisaronu fur the Saturday nicht but on oor way oot Tansu said he would like tae see me at the bar again and a’ certainly dinnae need askin twice, so a’ agreed tae come back the followin’ nicht. Little did he ken whit he wiz lettin’ himsel in fur. Lol.
So, aftir that we went tae yin ae the maest popular bars in Calis but the music was total pish so we left withoot getting a drink and got a taxi back tae Fethiye.
A’ like tae practice ma bad Turkish on Taxi drivers so a’ got chattin’ tae oor driver who wiz quite a young geezer. A’ asked him hoo long he had been drivin’ the taxis and he telt uz that this wiz his first week!
He telt me he is a football player wi’ the local team, Fethiyespor, whae play in the Turkish Third Division and cause he wiz getting married he had tae get some extra income fae somewhere. A’ asked him hoo it wiz goin’ so far and he wisnae tae impressed and obviously bein, recently divorced masel, a’ telt him no’ tae bother and save his money fur a fishing boat.
In fact, aftir oor conversation a’ wouldnae be surprised if he packed it in there and then. A’ am talkin’ aboot the taxi drivin’ although a’ may hiv affected his weddin’ plans and aw. 😉
He dropped us aff in Fethiye toon centre and we walked the streets lookin’ fur a cool place tae hang oot. There were a few rock bars but they were playin hard screamin’ type rock which isnae ma scene but then a’ heard a Turkish Band playin fae inside a club as we walked by and ma instinct wiz tae go and check it oot. We were very glad we did cause the band were excellent and the singer wiz awesome and pretty hot too. Ye kin check them oot below.
Turkish Band
There wiz yin total arsehole in the place who walked in wi’ 5 birds but whae was obviously the boyfriend ae yin ae them.
A’ tell ye, a’ wanted tae punch him in the face cause the way he treated his burd wiz beyond shockin’. A’ fuckin’ hate male dominated societies (which fair play is nearly everywhere) and Turkey still has that attitude in general although hopefully thing are startin’ tae change but far too fuckin’ slow in ma opinion.
He wiz grabbin her arm and haein’ severe wurds wi’ her jist cause she had the audacity tae dance. Whooo. Call the cops!! Then the band played a slow song so me bein’ the romantic soul that a’ am asked Natasha tae dance wi’ me and him bein’ the prick that he is had tae copy me purely as a male ego ‘hing. There is nae way in Gods earth would he hae danced if we hadnae. Prick!
Sorry, a dinnae mean tae judge aw Turkish men by the same stick and believe me, Scotland is chock full ae arseholes that dinnae ken hoo tae treat women properly either. Ultimately they are jist scared wee men tryin’ tae control their fear by dominatin those weaker (physically anyway) than themselves. Basically a’ hope she cuts his balls aff yin nicht and stuffs them up his arse fur guid measure cause bawbags like that need tae be taught a lesson.
A’ wiz goin’ tae say su’hin masel but there is nae reasonin’ wi’ fannies like that and so we left and went fur a ‘goin hame fae the pub snack’, as ye dae. We made a wee video below if ye want tae see exactly hoo pished a’ wiz by the nichts end.
Fethyiye First Night End
So that wiz a no’ bad first day in Fethiye. Whit dae ye’s ‘hink? Check oot day twa on ma next blog.
The Photaes
Cheers the noo!
Nob
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