Ma wife is a Muslim
an’ a’insulted her father
Cause askin’ him fur her hand
was tae much bother
So he didnae come tae Scotland
fur his own daughters Weddin’
Instead he jist stayed at home
an’ planned ma beheadin’
A’ ken he wanted
tae cut short ma life
When his Weddin’ present tae uz
Wiz a single steak knife
Eventually the time came
tae pay him a visit
We were buyin’ a hoose
An’ he had the deposit
When a’ pushed the bell
a’ wiz as scared as hell
A’ wiz convinced a’wiz ringin’
ma aen death knell
When he answered the door
a’ wiz taken aback
When he didnae grab a cleaver
An’ start tae hack
He seemed pretty calm,
in fact quite placid
Maybe he was going tae feed me
sulphuric acid
But aftir dinner
a’ wiz as richt as rain
A’ wiz wu’ner’in jist hoo
he wiz goin’ tae inflict ma pain
It wiz time fur bed,
so far a’ had escaped ma plight
So tae celebrate,
a’ shagged his daughter aw night
A’ wrapped the condoms
in a big ba’ ae bog roll
But nae yin had telt me
Turkish toilet pipes were small
Fur the next few days
me an’ her Faither got on well
Even wi’ the language barrier
we began tae gel
It’s amazin’ whit consumin’
loads ae Raki will do
Even though every nicht
it made me violently spew
A’ was never so ill though
no’ tae fuck his daughter
Like aw newly weds
we were like lambs tae the slaughter
A’ kept flushin’ hefty parcels
doon the loo
Even though the bathroom bucket
wiz an obvious clue
The time had nearly come
fur us tae leave
But whit happened next
a’ couldnae believe
Aroond Noon on the day
we were flyin’ home
When a’ flushed the toilet,
it began tae foam
It started eruptin’
like an Icelandic Geyser
Why this was happenin’,
a’ wiz still none the wiser
There wiz piss an’ shit
aw ower the floor
It then formed a river
runnin’ under the door
Her Faither inspected it,
he didnae look tae happy
It’s been a long time
since he’s changed a nappy
He asked if a’d pit
any’hin big doon the bog
So a’ telt him aboot the size
ae ma mornin’ log
He phoned a workman
tae come inspect the plumbin’
A’d realized by then
he’d find the remains ae ma cummin’
The plumber lifted several slabs
tae get tae the source ae the fault
When he found it
a’ wiz expectin’ a brutal assault
But her Faither remained calm
a’ hiv tae say
Although he didnae object
when a’ offered tae pay
So that is hoo
a’ made ma furst impression
An’ added tae her Faithers
pent up aggression
That wiz ma first time
in a Muslim country
An’ even with the headscarves
the women are sultry
But a’ dinnae ‘hink a’ will try
tae form a Harem
As ma next Faither-in-law
micht nae be so serene
Cheers!
Donate
