Ma wife is a muslim an’ a’ insulted her faithir
Cause askin’ him fur her hand wiz tae much bothir
So he didnae come tae Scotland fur his daughters weddin’
Instead he stayed at hame, an’ planned ma beheadin’
A’ ken he wanted tae cut short ma life
When his weddin’ present tae uz wiz a single steak knife
Eventually the time came tae pay him a visit
We were buyin’ a hoose, an’ he had the deposit
When a’ pushed the bell a’ wiz as scared as hell
A’ wiz convinced a’wiz ringin’ ma aen death knell
When he answered the door, a’ wiz taken aback
When he didnae grab a cleaver an’ start tae hack
He seemed pretty calm, in fact quite placid
Maybe he wiz goin’ tae feed me sulphuric acid
But aftir dinner a’ wiz as richt as rain
A’ wiz wu’ner’in hoo, he wiz goin’ tae inflict ma pain
It wiz time fur bed, so far a’ had escaped ma plicht
So tae celebrate, a’ shagged his daughter aw nicht
A’ wrapped the condoms in a big ba’ ae bog roll
But nae yin had telt me, Turkish toilet pipes are small
Fur the next few days, me an’ her faithir got on well
Even wi’ the language barrier, we began tae gel
It’s amazin’ whit consumin’ loads ae Raki will do
Even though every nicht, it made me violently spew
A’ wiz nevir so ill though, no’ tae fuck his daughter
Like aw newly-weds, we were like lambs tae the slaughter
A’ kept flushin’ hefty parcels doon the loo
Even though the bathroom bucket wiz an obvious clue
The time had nearly come fur uz tae leave
But whit happened next a’ cuidnae believe
Aroond noon on the day we were flyin’ home
When a’ flushed the toilet, it began tae foam
It started eruptin’ like an Icelandic geyser
Why this wiz happenin’, a’ wiz still none the wiser
There wiz piss an’ shit, aw ower the floor
It then formed a river runnin’ under the door
Her faithir inspected it, he didnae look tae happy
A’ dinnae ‘hink he’s evir changed a nappy
He asked if a’d pit any’hin big doon the bog
So a’ telt him aboot the size ae ma mornin’ log
He phoned a wurkman tae come inspect the plumbin’
A’d realized by then, he’d find the remains ae ma cummin’
The plumber lifted several slabs tae find the fault
When he foond it, a’ wiz expectin’ a brutal assault
But her faithir remained calm, a’ hiv tae say
Although he didnae object when a’ offired tae pay
So that is hoo a’ made ma furst impression
An’ added tae her faithir’s pent up aggression
That wiz ma first time in a muslim country
An’ even wi’ the heedscarves the wumin are sultry
But a’ dinnae ‘hink a’ will try tae form a harem
As ma next faithir-in-law micht nae be sae serene
Afore we said oor guidbye’s, a’ took ma wife aside
Telt her tae bend ower, fur yin last holiday ride
A’ didnae ken whit tae dae wi’ the used french letter
So a’ stuck it in her handbag, as a’ thoucht that wiz better
Goin’ through customs she got a hellae shock
When security pulled oot ma semen filled sock
A’ wiz awready well through passport control
So fur aboot a month aftir, ma knob wiz on the dole
Cheers the noo!
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