Fae Viagra tae Buckfast Wine
But a’ hadnae tried Magic Mushrooms
A’ wiz waitin’ fur a sign
Yin day ma’ workmate Jim turned up
He had jist picked twa hundred
He asked if a’ wanted tae go halves
‘Is this the sign?’, a wondered
The reason why a’ pondered
Is that a’ kent this wiz fur real
The mushies take nae prisoners
Ye’ve got tae take the hand they deal
Eventually a’ said “Aye sure, fuck it
Whit harm could they dae?
A’ve got a high tolerence fur drugs
An’ a’m feeling lucky today”
But a’ wiz already on medication
Fae aw ma years on acid
A’ really didnae need any mare drugs
Tae make ma brain mare placid
We decided tae take oor trip
Beside a Loch in the middle ae naewhere
So that in case we started Freakin’ oot
We wouldnae attract any disapprovin’ stare
On arrivin’ we pitched oor flimsy tent
An’ breathed in the fresh Loch air
But afore a’ took the Funky Fungi
A’ got on ma knees, an’ said a heartfelt prayer
‘Please God, dinnae let these Boomers
Screw ma’ brain right up
A’ve heard they are divine
A’ jist want tae drink fae yer lovin’ cup
A’ dinnae want tae go further roond the bend
Or else a’ may lose ma job
A’ wiz lucky tae keep it the last time
A’ telt the Boss he kin suck ma knob’
When a’ felt ma mind wiz centred
A’ swallowed an’ washed them doon
Then wondered hoo long it would be
Afore a’ reached the dark side ae the moon
A’ didnae hae long tae wait
Afore a’ started feelin’ their effect
“Ma God, these mushies are kickin’ in”, a’ said
“We are goin’ tae be seriously wrecked”
The heather clad hills aw started dancin’
They were pittin’ on quite the show
A’ wiz stugglin’ tae hauld on tae reality
As a’ felt ma remainin’ sanity aboot tae go
Jist then, a’ heard a familiar voice
Come totally oot ae the blue
It said, “Hello Nob and Jim
How the hell are you?”
At first a’ didnae answer
A’ wiz tryin’ tae contain ma fear
Then a’ heard the voice again
It said, “What the hell are you doing here?”
On turnin’ roond ma heart skipped a beat
A’ wiz stuck fur wurds tae say
It looked like oor Boss fae work
Wiz walkin’ the West Highland Way
“Fuck these mushies kick ass”, a’ said
“Jim, are yoo seein’ whit a’ see?”
Jim said, “Aye, but it’s no’ the mushies
It really is George McNee”
”Whit? It cannae be”
An’ me and George looked at each other
A’ thought, ‘Fuckin hell, would ye believe it?
There’s nae escapin’ fae Big Brother’
Whitever a’ dae a’m a sittin’ duck
That totally goosed the trip
So a’ offered him a toke ae ma joint
Tae see if he wiz hip
But there’s su’hin aboot bosses
Even when they’re ootside ae work
They’ve got this way ae acting
Like a total friggin’ jerk
He said, looking doon on us
That drugs were fur losers
A’ said, “Whit dae ye mean by that?”
An’ then a’ pissed ma troosers
Then his face changed
Intae a blood suckin’ vampire bat
A’ started tae get worried
That he’d come tae get fat
The mushies were noo in control
There wiz nu’hin’ a’ could dae
As a’ took a severe fit ae the giggles
When he asked if a’ wiz okay
A’ couldnae deal wi’ the situation
So a’ took cover in the tent
A’ dinnae ken hoo Jim managed
Cause ma brain wiz noo beyond bent
Eventually George buggered aff
Jim wished him well on his way
But he thought he wiz bein’ sarcastic
An’ said, “I’ll see you both on Monday”
But he’d raised an interestin’ point
A’ thought aboot this aw nicht long
He said that drugs were fur losers
But a’ ‘hink he’s wrong
Cause while high on the Pizza Toppin’s
A’ realized that life is aw aboot perception
An’ he’s got a serious problem
‘Hinkin’ he’s an immaculate conception
Jist cause he went tae University
Makes him ‘hink he’s above the layman
Well, a’ve tested the limits ae ma mind
An’ noo a’m officially as mad as a Shaman
Knowledge is power, it is true
An’ oor so called ‘Boss’ wiz severely lackin’
A’ guess that wiz the reason
Fur oor Monday mornin’ sackin’
Cheers the noo!
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