Performin’ Low

A’ bust ma baws fur ower an hoor
Feelin’ jist like a corporate whore
Regurgitatin’ ma auld lukewarm shit
While tryin’ no’ tae violently vomit

Cause a’ hate ma act wi’ a passion
Jist like luv it’s went oot ae fashion
But a’ stand there every day
Wishin’ a’ wiz walkin’ the ‘West Highland Way’

Punters stare like ‘Vietnam Vets’
Whae’ve been denied their cigarettes
A’ will the groond tae swallae me whole
An’ pray the Devil doesnae reject ma soul

But a’ soldier on, like a moth at a light
Bangin’ ma heed while talkin’ shite
They are unaware ae ma genius inside
Maybe cause aw ma clothin’ colours collide

If only they wuid listen tae ma soul
Then maybe a’ cuid dig masel oot ae this hole
But instead they focus on ma wurds
Which only seem tae annoy the burds

Maybe a’ need a ‘Queen’s English’ translator
But they’d probably still ‘hink a’m a fornicator
Maybe if a’ wurked on ma jokes a bit more
There wuid be nae need fur the revolvin’ door

A’ am scared tae recite ma new political stuff
Cause noo the government is gettin’ tough
If a’ dare speak ma mind on a current affair topic
Ma collar wuid nae doobt soon be tropic

But a’ feel somebody needs tae tak a stand
Afore speakin’ yer mind is officially banned
So here’s yin fur ye jist aff the bat
Soon they will tax ye fur jist gettin’ fat

Kin ye see why it is that a’ nevir storm?
Tryin’ tae get laughs is jist followin’ the norm
A’ prefer tae fuck wi’ a’ audience’s heed
Probably cause a’ hiv smoked tae much weed

Snowflakes dinnae ken hoo tae handle ma jokes
Cause tae get them ye need tae hiv had at least five tokes
So a’ am goin’ tae rent a venue an’ ignore the smokin’ ban
Then a’ll gie oot compulsory joints tae prove a’m the man

Then the stupefied crowd will finally see
That which is blatantly obvious tae me
The wurld’s gone tae pot, it’s nae langer kind
It jist numbs yer soul, an’ fucks wi’ yer mind

But every’yin hiz the key tae escape
In church they tell ye tae drink the grape
But dogma an’ belief are a ‘hing ae the past
Livin’ in the ‘noo’, is the only true blast

Whitevir happened tae the rock’n’roll spirit?
These days nae yin wants tae hear it
They wuid rather listen tae cunts wi’ nu’hin tae say
Everyhin’ wiz better back in the day

So thank ye fur takin’ the time tae listen
A’ ken some ae ye dinnae ken whit ye’re missin’
Ma jokes may be discreet an’ under the radar
But wi’ naewhere tae go, a’ dinnae need tae get far

A’ jist hope that afore it’s tae late, ye will see
Aw that is keepin’ ye, fae gettin’ me
Is barriers an’ walls that ye hiv erected
So, please let them doon, ye cannae get infected

Dinnae believe the contagion lie ye’ve been sold
The only ‘hings that kin spread are misery or laughtir
If a’ say that onstage in these post convid days
A’d probably soon be in the hereaftir

So a’ guess it’s fur the best that a’ve been cancelled
If ye like whit a’ write please tell yer mates
Maybe a’ll get mare than three people intae ma show
Afore we’re aw killed aff by that cunt Gates

Cheers the noo!