A’ woke up that morning
wi’ a nervous beating heart
In 30 minutes time
ma fitba game wiz due tae start
A voice inside ma heed
Said, stay in bed an’ finish ma dream
But a’ wiz vital cog
in the Bravehearts Eleven pub team
So a’ just ignored
ma fleetin’ intuition
A’m not yin tae believe
in auld wives superstition
A’ had tae focus ma mind
on the job in hand
Cause the night afore a’ had mare tae drink
than a tourin’ Rock Band
As it wiz ma turn tae provide
the liquid refreshment
A’ had tae use the money
ma wife had pit aside for rent
Puttin’ up wi’ ma antics
isnae exactly her idea ae marital bliss
She says a’ married her jist tae hae
somewhere warm tae deposit ma jizz
A couple ae beers afore the game
helps the lads tae straighten oot
So when a’ arrived ma teammates
made a beeline fur ma car boot
There wiz a bit ae a team talk
but a’ dinnae pay attention tae that
Pub fitba tae me jist comes doon
tae man tae man mortal combat
Lookin’ at oor opponents,
they looked like a bunch ae thugs
A’ recognised a few ae them,
fae them dealin’ me drugs
A’ prayed that if we won
they wouldnae cut aff ma supply
Cause a’ am no’ able tae fuck ma wife
unless a’m extremely high
The game kicked aff an’ it descended
intae Scottish Fitba at it’s best
A bunch ae psychos hatchin’ each othir,
Claimin’ they’re dain’ it fur the Crest
A’ dinnae ken why a’ turn up every week
Expectin’ the elegant game
Normally a’m jist happy if a’ last the Ninety minutes
wi’oot goin’ lame
Well this time a’ wiz playin’ sae well
if it were a comedy gig, a’ would be stormin’
When a wanker fae the othir side
tried tae stop me fae performin’
Because a’d nutmeged him twice
his tackle had lots ae scorn
A’ kent that very fuckin’ instant
that su’hin doon there wiz torn
“Ya fuckin’ dirty bastard”,
a’ wiz heard tae yell
In a blink ae an eye
a’ watched ma ankle swell
A’ had tae fight back
the wellin’ ae ma tears
Tae help a’ drank four mare
luke warm bargain beers
A’ arrived in hospital
tae be telt a’ had tae wait
Afore a’ could learn
the fuw extension ae ma fate
The doctor said,
“Bad news I’m afraid, you will be off work a while”
He didnae ken that a’d still get paid,
so a’ had tae repress ma smile
Even better, the doctor said
a’ had tae avoid aw strife
So a’ had tae be waited on hand an’ foot
by ma lovin’ wife
But the ‘hing that puzzles me
even still tae this day
Is whit if that little voice
had got its fleetin’ way?
Would a’ hae learned
whit a’ gained fae aw ae this?
That ye kin live the life ae a King,
if ye take the total piss
Cause a’ made that pare woman
carry me up and doon the stair
A’ even made her take me tae the shower
tae scrub ma pubic hair
So these old wives fairy tales
surely noo must be pit in the past
Dinnae follow yer intuition,
bein’ a cripple is a blast
But a’ suppose a’ could be wrang,
maybe a’ should hae finished ma dream
An’ then maybe in Nigeria
they wouldnae hae heard me scream
Cheers the noo!
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