In thirty minutes time, ma fitba game wiz due tae start
A voice inside ma heed said, ‘stay in bed, finish yer dream’
But a’ wiz vital cog in the ‘Bravehearts Eleven’ pub team
So a’ jist ignored ma fleetin’ intuition
A’m no’ yin tae believe in auld wives superstition
A’ had tae focus ma mind on the job in hand
Cause the nicht afore, a’ had mare tae drink than a tourin’ rock band
As it wiz ma turn tae provide the liquid refreshment
A’ had tae use the money ma wife had pit aside fur rent
Pittin’ up wi’ ma antics isnae exactly her idea ae marital bliss
She says a’ married her jist tae hae somewhere warm tae deposit ma jizz
A couple ae beers afore the game helps the lads tae straighten oot
So when a’ arrived ma teammates made a beeline fur ma car boot
There wiz a bit ae a team talk, but a’ dinnae pay attention tae that
Pub fitba tae me, jist comes doon tae man tae man, mortal combat
Checkin’ oot oor opponents, they looked like a bunch ae thugs
A’ recognised a few ae them, fae them dealin’ me drugs
A’ prayed that if we won they wuidnae cut aff ma supply
Cause a’ am no’ able tae fuck ma wife, unless a’m extremely high
The game kicked aff an’ it descended intae Scottish fitba at it’s best
A bunch ae psychos hackin’ each othir, claimin’ they’re dain’ it fur the crest
A’ dinnae ken why a’ turn up every week expectin’ the elegant game
Normally a’m jist happy if a’ last the ninety minutes wi’oot goin’ lame
Well this time a’ wiz playin’ sae well, if it were a comedy gig, a’ wuid be stormin’
When a wanker fae the othir side tried tae stop me fae performin’
Cause a’d nutmeged him twice, his tackle had loads ae scorn
A’ kent that very fuckin’ instant that su’hin doon there wiz torn
“Ya fuckin’ dirty bastard!”, a’ wiz heard tae yell
In a blink ae an eye a’ watched ma ankle swell
A’ had tae ficht back the wellin’ ae ma tears
So tae help a’ drank fower mare luke warm bargain beers
A’ arrived in hospital tae be telt a’ had tae wait
Afore a’ cuid learn the fuw extension ae ma fate
The doctor said, “Bad news I’m afraid, you will be off work a while”
He didnae ken that a’d still get paid, so a’ had tae repress ma smile
Even better, the doctor said a’ had tae avoid aw strife
So a’ had tae be waited on hand an’ foot, by ma lovin’ wife
A’ guess marriage does hae it’s benefit’s aftir aw
It’s guid tae hae someyin tae pick ye up when ye fa’
But the ‘hing that puzzles me even still tae this day
Is whit if that little voice had got its fleetin’ way?
Wuid a’ hae learned whit a’ gained fae aw ae this?
That ye kin live the life ae a king, if ye tak the total piss
Cause a’ made that pare woman carry me up an’ doon the stair
A’ even made her tak me tae the shoo’er, tae scrub ma pubic hair
She said that a’ cuild dae that masel if a’ really tried
A’ said no’ tae be fuckin’ silly, dae she ‘hink that doctor lied?
Normally a’ dinnae listen tae a wurd they quacks say
But on this occasion a’ made sure tae obey
The wurk wernae tae happy wi’ me haein’ twa months aff
The day that a’ had tae go back, wiz pretty fuckin’ naff
These auld wives fairy tales surely noo must be pit in the past
Dinnae follow yer intuition, bein’ a cripple wiz a blast
A’ suppose a’ cuid be wrang, maybe a’ shuid hae finished that dream
An’ then maybe in Nigeria, they wuidnae hae heard me scream
Cheers the noo!
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