An’ decided tae hell wi’ that
So fur the same price, she went tae Kenya fur hers
An’ also managed tae re-furnish her Flat
She invited aw the family oot there
Providin’ we were game
Ae course we had tae pay fur oor aen ticket
Or else that would ae defeated her aim
Ye would ae thought that Kenya had enough wild animals
Wi’oot throwin’ ma family intae the equation
The fact that it said, ‘Free Bar’ in the brochure
Wiz enough tae ensure a large Scottish invasion
Obviously the bevvie isnae really free
Or else they would hae a severe alcohol dearth
It’s jist that bein’ Scottish it is yer duty
Tae drink at least twice mare than every othir nation on Earth
An’ ae course a’ abused that situation tae the Max
Nae yin else wiz at the races
A’ ended up bringin’ shame tae ma family
No’ tae mention, anger tae their faces
Not mare so than the big day itsel’
When a’ had risen wi’ a thumpin’ heed
A’ had tae dae a quick check on the Groom
Cause last nicht, a’ thought a’ drank him deed
A’ badly needed some hair ae the dug
So a’ bolted back tae the bar
Wi’oot a couple ae large stiff shots
Even the birds twerpin’ would begin tae jar
It only took aboot 3 beers an’ 6 whisky chasers
Afore a’ wiz back in the mood
So a’ scored some dope, fae a local beach boy
In exchange fur some dodgy leftover cold food
When in Kenya, dae as the Kenyans
So a’ made sure that joint wiz packed
A’ wish a’ hadnae ae bothered
Cause that shit wiz stronger than crack
Yin puff wiz enough tae knock me sideways
A’ wiz totally ootae ma heed
A’ cannae even remember takin’ the second toke
Ae that hydrochronic weed
Jist then ma Sister appeared
Lookin’ pretty damn fine
A’ thought, ‘Fuck me, a’d shag that’
A’ mean, a’ wouldnae, there is a line
Ae course, a’ only jist thought it
Despite ma sudden admiration
A’ would ae stopped masel fae dain’ it
Even if only….at the point ae penetration
That’s no’ tae say a’ would get that far
A’m sure a’m the last guy she’d take tae bed
A’ did try tae fuck ma Step Sister though
That’s jist yin reason why ma wife, regrets the day we got Wed
Although she doesnae hae tae worry
As burds stay awa’ fae me, as they do a shitty stick
But that is tae their aen detriment
As ye wouldnae believe hoo much, a’ like tae lick
Behind my Sis, ma OCD Mother appeared
Took yin look at me, an’ wanted tae feed me tae a Lion
She screamed, “What the hell have you been up to?”
A’ said, “Ma, a’ll tell ye when ye stop cryin’”
Ma Faither wiz hoverin’ aroond
Playin’ wi’ his new Camcorder
But ma Maw wiznae tae impressed wi’ that
So she gave him a fairly blunt marchin’ order
A’ cannae mind the vows
Cause a’ wiz tryin’ tae hauld ma sick in
A’ then launched a pavement Pizza
Afore findin’ a vase tae use fur a spew bin
But that wiznae the wurst ae ma antics
Oh no, that wiz still tae come
A’ll never forget the look on their faces
Especially that ae ma poor tortured mum
Cause aftir the ceremony it wiz time tae party
A’ had jist aboot clambered oot ae the mire
So a’ had another beer, a couple ae shots an’ a joint
Afore dancin’ tae the Kenyan version, ae Earth, Wind and Fire
We were aw groovin’ awa’ in a large jovial circle
A’ wiz dain’ ‘The Twist’ tae the Africans drummers beat
Next ‘hing ye ken, ma ba’s were hangin’ ootae ma Kilt
They were danglin’ aroond ma feet
A’ wiz blissfully unaware ae this
But on Da’s video, ye kin see Ma’s rage
At the time, a’ didnae ken whit she meant
When she telt me, tae put ma moose back intae its cage
Afore ye kent it, some locals had gaethered
An’ yin by yin, their jaws aw joined ma ba’s on the flaer
Fur in their whole lives, while livin’ in Africa
None had ever seen… Ginger Pubic Hair
They were aw in a state ae shock
It turned the reception quite clammy
Fur nor had they seen an adult Willy that small
It certainly wiz, a unique Double Whammy
‘Hings got even worse though
When a’ covered masel in ma aen pish
A’ tell ye, a’ got so embarrassed
That a’ even tried tae claim that a’ wiz English
But a’ didnae get away wi’ that yin
Everyin’ kens Englishmen dinnae hae the baws
Tae wear a skirt wi nae knickers un’erneath
While ye officially gain yer in-laws
The reason ma family ended up fuw on ragin’
Wiz no’ cause a’d made anothir tit ae masel
It wiz cause no’ only wiz a’ sick in the vase
Later on, a’ spewed ower the cake as well
Cheers the noo!
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