That a’ wiz destined tae become society’s thorn
A’ see the wurld through the eyes ae wun’er
That probably is ma maest biggest blun’er
Growin’ up a’ learned tae play the fool
It wiz ma way ae avoidin’ tryin’ tae act cool
When a’ got a job a’ couldnae believe ma eyes
Ma collegues made ma nursery school pals seem wise
So a’ started drinkin’ tae try an’ fit in wi’ the crew
A’ should hae stopped aftir ma first violent spew
But instead a ramped it up wi’ various concoctions
An’ that wiz even afore drugs became options
First the blow an’ then ontae the dancin’ pills
Me an’ the posse sure kent hoo tae get oor thrills
It wiz a shame aboot the hangowers an’ bellyaches
But it helped keepin’ masel constantly baked
Aftir six years ae livin’ the rock’n’roll life
A’ decided, fuck this, it’s time a’ foond a wife
A’ clung ontae the first pussy a’ cuid find
An’ hoped she wuid save me fae furthir losin’ ma mind
When the cracks started tae show in the arrangement
We took acid taegethir tae help avoid estrangement
That sent her mind tae the othir side ae the moon
Leavin’ me unhappily married tae a stark ravin’ loon
A’ tried ma best tae tak care ae her desires
But there were a hellaea lot ae cross wires
We were goin’ tae split but she had a better thoucht
Tae hae a bairn tae try tae tighten oor knot
A’ must ae been high cause a’ somehoo agreed
Even though fae ma job a’ had jist been freed
The only job a’ cuid find wiz as an entertainer in Spain
She followed me oot there tae hae the wean
That wuid ae been fine if she didnae go mental
In losin’ that job, she wiz instrumental
We stayed in the country an’ the sprog wiz born
A’ wished a’ had stuck, tae jist watchin’ porn
A week later she went back tae the gynecologist
Whae suddenly turned intae a big time apologist
He foond cancer, which if he spotted afore the C-section
He’d hae removed it an’ noo she’d be back tae perfection
Back hame she got an operation tae remove it
Follae’ed by three batches ae chemo tae feel like shit
A’ tried tae tell her ae an alternative healin
But fruit an’ veg enema’s didnae soond tae appealin’
Her mothir had come tae live wi’ us an’ a’d had enough
A’ telt the wife it wiz time fur me tae find anothir muff
A’ moved oot but a few months later a’ returned
As every move a’ made on othir chicks wiz violently spurned
We were hangin’ on in there but it wiz gettin’ tae much
The twa ae uz were becomin’ each othir’s bad crutch
A’ telt her a’ wanted tae get a divorce fur the sake ae ma boy
It wiznae fair fur him tae grow up in a hoose wi’ nae joy
When a’ came hame the next day she wiz naewhere aroond
A’ searched the ‘hale toon includin’ every playgroond
Eventually a’ foond her in a department store
Ye wouldnae get this much hassle, jist shaggin’ a whore
She wiz oot ae her mind an’ a’ had tae get her tae hospital
It wouldnae be the first time a’ took her fur committal
She wiznae tae keen so a’ had tae caw an ambulance
When it turned up, there wiz almost a major accident
On seein’ them she bolted fur the windae tae jump
Bein’ on the fourth flaer she’d ae landed wi’ a serious thump
Somehoo a’ sensed whit she wiz goin’ tae dae
An’ grabbed the purse roond her neck, afore she flew away
Aftir gettin’ her intae a dodgy lookin’ mental ward
A’ needed tae jist lie low fur a while an’ enjoy bein’ bored
The next day a’ got a’ caw tae say she’d escaped
She’d busted her back bad but at least she wiznae raped
A’ wiz noo ragin’ as this meant her mothir moved back in
Nae matter hoo many times a’ try, a’ jist nevir win
A’ nevir changed ma sons nappies but it wiz time tae learn
As a’ had tae change ma wife’s, a’ guess it wiz noo ma turn
Aftir at least a year re-learnin’ tae walk an’ wipe her arse
A’ left it a while afore sayin’ that we shuid end this farce
This time she agreed wi’oot much hesitation
A’ ‘hink tae level ‘hings oot, she probably wished castration
That is jist a glimpse intae the madness that is ma life
Ye’d hae thoucht a’d learn ma lesson an’ no’ get anothir wife
But a’ amnae that clevir an’ instead went the ‘hale hog again
It didnae tak me tae lang afore seein’ familiar signs ae pain
So a’ jumped ship, an’ ma boy noo lives wi’ me fuw time
A’ dae hae a new burd, although ye’ll ‘hink she’s a crime
Mare than half ma age younger, an’ pretty hot tae boot
A’ wun’er hoo lang it will be afore this yin takes half ma loot
Aw this while a’ wiz tryin’ tae be an meanin’ful artist
It is only noo that a’ realise that a’ wiznae actin’ the smartest
People dinnae want tae hear truth an’ the industry forbibs it
Othir acts try tae shut me up, jist cause a’ hae little wit
A’ willnae be denied though, an’ a’ kin noo testify
That given any crowd, a’ cuid mak them cry
Jist a shame that the government hae the same agenda
A’ wiz takin’ much safer drugs than theirs in the Hacienda
Noo a’m tryin’ tae educate ma lad that tae be successful
Follae yer aen path an’ avoid burds whae are stressful
Granted a’ amnae the best example tae follae
A’ve spent maest ae ma life to’ally aff ma trolley
A’ still ‘hink that a’ll mak it as a comedian yin day
An’ that folk will queue fur hoors jist tae listen tae whit a’ say
Maybe if a’ focused on bein’ funny instead ae haein’ a point
A’ wuidnae need tae get on stage only aftir a massive joint
Aftir aw the torment a’ hiv suffered in ma existence
Aw that keeps me goin’ is ma stubborn blind persistence
Surely karma will play oot an’ a’ll eventually get ma dues
An’ a’ll be able to leave the stage wi’oot hearing lots ae boo’s
Cheers the noo!
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