So where do I start? How to begin?
Shall I show you the real me? Or shall I drink gin?
Do you think you can handle The full effect of me?
I am prepared to show you Just what I can be
I can be a monster Just ask my ex-wife
I can be a romantic I’d give gilf’s the kiss of life
I sometimes try to be funny But I’ve got so dry a sense of humour
Even Bernard Manning wished That I’d get a tumour
I try to contain My twisted brain
But words always come out To prove I’m insane
I’ve upset so many apple carts People run away when they see me
It’s a pity that to succeed in life They all show solidarity
For that leaves me hanging By a very thin thread
Now that I am blogging They’ll probably wish I was dead
Cause I have this tendency To speak my mind
Please forgive my naivety I’m just trying to be kind
For this world would be simpler If we faced up to the truth
That lying to protect fragile egos Keeps our love bonds aloof
I wish I could write blogs In the bog-standard fashion
But my life is so boring I can’t muster the passion
Or maybe that’s just my nature As a white Scottish man
To cover up my insecurities With an all-over fake tan
So I hope we can be friends As we explore my crap
I have so much to offer My arse is on tap
Feel free to drink From the well of my words
If you want to know where I get them Ask the bees and the birds
I think that is enough Of an introduction for you
Congratulations if you’ve read this far You are now one of the unchosen few
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