A’ wiz a big Bob Marley fan
So a’ went tae Jamaica
Tae hang oot wi’ the Rastaman
Twa mates joined me
On ma spiritual quest
As we’d heard the herbal gear there
Wiz by far and awa’ the best
Aftir a hellish journey
Oor throats were rather dry
So we had cocktails at the bar
Afore lookin’ fur the means tae get high
We didnae ken whae tae ask
That could supply us wi’ the dope
So we decided tae go outside
Tae see whit we could rope
As we left, some pontificatin’ twat
Warned us aboot the danger
Of digressing fae the beaten path
Or waltzin’ aff wi’ any stranger
He said we are jist seen as cash cows
Wethir we gie voluntarily or not
By the time we get back tae the Hotel
We would be lucky tae piss in a pot
So we took twa steps ootside the gate
An’ were met by a homeless lookin’ man
He wanted tae show uz Mick Jagger’s hoose
So a’ said, “Aye, let’s hae a scan”
He walked us doon the road
Intae an open field
‘Oh, oh’, a’ thought, ‘There’s trouble here,
We hiv jist been reeled’
Tae try an’ get him on oor side
A’ got straight tae the point
A’ said, “Hey man, dae ye ken where
We kin score some gear fur a joint?”
Those were the very wurds
He’d been waitin’ tae hear
So he took aw oor dosh
An’ said, “Do not fear”
As a guarantee
He left behind his tank top
That ye wouldnae pay tuppence fur
In the local charity shop
As we were waitin’ there
We’ thought we’d been had
But as we were still alive
It wiznae aw that bad
But whit de ye ken?
He wiz back in a flash
An’ he wiznae shy in comin’ forward
Tae help uz smoke oor hash
We got on well wi’ the poverty stricken dude
He wiz a genuine geezer
He wanted tae ken if Scotland
Really wiz as cauld as a freezer
We telt him that it wiz
An’ that we’d rather live there
As long as we could afford
Better clothes than his tae wear
After gettin’ majorly mashed
We floated back tae the hotel
Still totally unaware
That night would be a livin’ hell
Yin ae the waiters at dinner
Offered tae show uz a trendy club
Ae course we had tae say, ‘Aye’,
It’d make a guid change fae oor fossilised pub
A’ splashed on ma Auld Spice
As a’ wanted tae make an impact
It turns oot a’ wiz jist grateful
Tae escape wi’ ma face intact
The club wiz in the middle ae naewhere,
It wiz a ramshackle lookin’ place
When a’ got inside, a’ wished a’ wiznae
So ootae ma fuckin’ face
Cause three naked burds were on stage
A’ couldnae believe whit a’ wiz seein’
They were groovin’ awa tae, ‘Oh Carolina’
An’ yin ae them wiz peein’
Anither wiz shovin’ a beer can
Intae her private parts
While the othir wiz strikin’ a match
An’ lightin’ up her farts
A’ wiz young an’ naïve,
A’ jist wanted tae go hame
Ma mates bathe agreed
But the waiter wiz playin’ a game
He had went an’ left uz
By oorselves in the club fae hell
A’ thought a’d shat masel
Cause su’hin began tae smell
A’ then realised hoo white we were
Nae yin else wiz remotely close
It wiz like the place wiz haunted
By three nervous Scottish ghosts
We waited at the badly lit bar
Fur oor so called ‘guide’
Wi’ oor fluorescent skin colour
We couldnae exactly hide
Then a scary lookin’ psycho
Wi’ a nasty look in his eye
Started comin’ ower tae uz
We thought oor end wiz nigh
‘Hings took a turn fur the worse
When he started gie’in me flak
Jist cause a’ had the cheek tae say, ‘no’
Tae his offer ae crack
A’ didnae ken if he wiz a drug dealer
Or a performers pimp
It didnae matter fur either yin
Would hae made ma Willy stay limp
Cause the thought ae tryin’ tae satisfy
An ‘Oh Carolina’ dancin’ chick
Made me feel like a’ hiv got
A baby peanut fur a dick
By the time oor waiter returned
Wi’ a huge smile upon his face
The three ae uz looked like
We had been sprayed wi’ mace
We tried tae play it cool
Sayin’ this wiznae oor scene
We prefer a club, where the girls
Wernae quite sae keen
A’ dinnae ken hoo that burd done it
She had an endless supply ae gas
Fur aw the time we were there
It wiz like she had a blow torch up her ass
Maybe we should hae been more brave
An’ stuck it oot until the end ae the night
But a’ jist couldnae get intae the groove
Wi’ that overpowerin’ smell ae shite
Fur the rest ae oor holiday
We didnae venture ootside aftir dark
Even though we’d been reassured
Their pussy’s dinnae bite as bad as they bark
But a’ saw ‘hings a’ still cannae believe
Ye should hae seen where they pit their thumb
An’ the mare diverse the objects they shove up there
Apparently the harder they cum
Cheers the noo!
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