To my surprise I got accepted to the Glasgow International Comedy Festival this year and so I thought I’d try again with an entry to the Spirit of Billy Connolly Award.
Here is link to the full criteria and below is the short version.
Here is the longlist of twelve that were selected.
This is the video I entered as it had to be under fifteen minutes, I just read the poem.
I am nominating my good self
For the ‘Spirit of Billy Connolly’ award
After thirty years of performing
To win, would be a very satisfying reward
I started in my early twenties
When I had dreams of being a ‘Rock Star’
But my lack of musical talent
Made sure I didn’t get very far
Six weeks after picking up a Bass Guitar
I was onstage playing my first gig
I am not sure how I pulled it off
But afterwards I did do a little jig
The band split up not long after
But I had been bitten by the performing bug
I got a guitar and starting writing lyrics
To try and show everyone I was no mug
I changed the words of Bob Dylan songs
As they were easy enough for me to play
But my singing voice was so bad
To get famous, I’d have to find another way
I had been reading David Icke books
Which led me down many a rabbit hole
It was he who introduced me to Bill Hicks
And that man spoke directly to my soul
I was a big fan of Billy Connolly
But it was Bill who gave me the idea
That I could change the world through comedy
Although perhaps maybe not North Korea
I created a character, The Great White Shaft
Who had a blue afro and an inflatable saxophone
He would rant against societal injustices
While making audiences moan and groan
I realised that what you fight you become
As I was turning into a fascist dictator
It was one thing lecturing people
But the need for laughter was far greater
So I changed tact to try and be more humble
I came up with Hamish McTavish, a bit of a bum
The Billy Connolly influence was coming out
As I sang funny lyrics while having a strum
Hamish also told stories in poem fashion
He wore a green tartan suit and a ‘Jimmy Hat’
I put on a show at the Edinburgh Festival 2002
Just trying my best not to fall flat
It was Billy Watson – A Man With A Mission
With Hamish doing poetry in support
I managed to get a three star review
Which to my critics was a pretty good retort
I’d bought a Rod Stewart wig for a fancy dress party
But it ended up not going ahead
As I didn’t want to have wasted the money
I entered a local karaoke competition instead
As previously mentioned I can’t really sing
So I decided to go down the comedy route
I called myself Nob Stewart and took the stage
Wearing Hamish’s 70’s green tartan suit
I changed the words from Maggie May
And made the song about a prostitute
Somehow I managed to get to the final
This small success I could not refute
So I took a course in website design
And built a website for Nob to showcase my work
I had to do a presentation to the class
Where Nob was free to act like a jerk
He went down a storm and got a great review
So I entered him into the Grand Gong Show
Where the promoter tried to sabotage his chances
Perhaps he thought Nob was too Gung Ho
Somehow Nob qualified for that final too
But the promoter had sent him into a rage
He exposed his anger on the popular chortle forum
Now many were clamouring to see Nob on stage
With a thousand pounds up for grabs
Nob knew he had no chance of winning
So prior to the final he recorded his thoughts
So when it was all over he would be grinning
As expected the promoter conspired against him
So he had a mock fight with him and the compere
When it was over the promoter refused to shake his hand
Well I guess in love and war all is fair
So I published the full story on Nobs website
Including all the videos he’d made while stoned
If he was going to go out it would be with a bang
And from the comedy scene he was now disowned
There was no point in trying to fit in with the crowd
So I moved to Türkiye to be with my estranged wife and son
But I couldn’t stop myself visiting a year later
For the Edinburgh Festival for some performing fun
While there I learned that Nob was a cult hero
And the promoter’s wife had filed for divorce
All due to my full expose of his shenanigans
I have to say, I had very little remorse
I returned the following year with my own show
Ordinary Punter with his mind turned ON
Although you could say the opposite was true
As booking a remote venue made me think I was a moron
I attended a show in the cowgate called Spank
Where they had a section for an act to promote their show
All you had to do was get naked and grab the mic
So seeing the opportunity, I went with the flow
But I had been walking around town all day
My arsehole was red raw from all of the friction
To leave an impression I took it to the next level
So I exposed my ring of fire in a terrible infliction
The next year I resurrected Nob from the grave
His show, ‘Comin Atcha’, was in a more central location
Nob is not for everyone and some did get offended
In fact, they probably wished for castration
I became friendly with, ‘Kunt and the Gang’
And got involved in his scandal known as ‘Cockgate’
Which ended up with me joining Frank Sanazi onstage
I thought, Nob and Kunt together, it must have been fate
I didn’t think Nob could top that so I buried him again
Coming back the next year with, Sex, Drugs and Marriage
This was about the story of my life to a Turkish woman
The start of the downfall was renting that horse and carriage
While living in Türkiye I got involved in another scandal
I got an open spot in a new comedy club in a British resort
But the comedians who were booked for the full season
Done so bad they had to hurriedly make a run for the airport
One of them was in fact the brother of Jason Manford
Who spent most of his time partying with the holiday reps
I was asked by the promoter to find some replacements
But when I did Jason decided he would flex his big name biceps
He called me a scab, even though I wasn’t a working comedian
And threatened to expose me to his seven million facebook fans
What with him being the expert on the subject of exposing
The other comedians didn’t want to be a toy in his hands
When I came to Edinburgh for the Fringe festival that year
One of the other comedians was doing a show called Turkeygate
When Kate Copstick gave a glowing review and slagged of the promoter
I couldn’t help myself stick up for him and took the bait
I performed an open spot to tell the other side of the story
Word soon got out and my name was now mud throughout the UK
Years later I returned to the hotel where the comedians stayed
The owner told me they had all apologised to him for running away
While living in Türkiye my creativity had to come out somehow
So I created a website about the region which included a blog
I made travel style videos of me touring the Antalya region
As well as expat social group events and days out with my sprog
This led to me getting a double page spread in a national newspaper
And interviewed by many other ex-pat blogs who had followed my lead
I ran an open mic night there too but it was hard to keep going
As there weren’t many other performers which you generally need
After getting divorced then married and divorced to another Turk
In 2018 I moved back to Scotland with my son for his education
I attended a comedy class run by Viv Gee who was a fan of my work
Hoping she’d give me some gigs but that resulted in another deflation
On the second week of the class
An attendee done a skit about the Holocaust
Viv said well done for not questioning it
And that you should never do that at any cost
I asked why not as I thought anything goes
Surely the point of comedy is to question
Another class member threatened to fight me
So that Nazi brought an end to my session
Word was now out that I was apparently a jew hater
So getting any gigs was proving extremely hard
Nob returned and done well at the Clusterfuck Circus
But that all went tits up when I let down my guard
All I did was share a link to a podcast
That was to be about an alternative view of Hitler
Not thinking about what some others had labelled me
I became a lot less popular, that even Luke Littler
Then covid came along which put in the final nails
I had the gall to question that from the start
I interviewed many experts from alternative health
Who said that everyone should avoid the poison dart
I also done an online show called ‘Shooting the Shit’
Where I ranted to memes and videos in the news
I was trying to help people with the knowledge I had
And I didn’t even try to blame everything on the jews
Many people were thankful for my concerted efforts
But many more just wanted me to shut my gob
I spoke and performed at freedom events and festivals
But when I spoke out at work I lost my factory job
I then done a week long tour of the highlands
Handing out a book called Questioning Lockdown
Before taking the company to court for wrongful dismissal
Like Tom Petty, when I think I’m right, I won’t back down
Some comedians have died and some had a stroke
While I took some amount of abuse for explaining the flu
I lost a close family member who thought I was crazy
I will never get an apology, never mind a thank you
So I put on a show at Edinburgh called ‘Wrongfully Dismissed’
It seemed like another story of my life
Except this one didn’t involve any Turkish women
Just the tale of my recent trouble and strife
I then got booked into some uncensored comedy gigs
At last I felt like I could be myself
As the audience were open minded and awake
So I dusted my old material from the shelf
I went down a storm so I tried again on the circuit
But I guess I shouldn’t have done the same material
When I tried to do a joke where I said “the N word”
Two comedians threw me offstage and said I was venereal
To be clear, I didn’t actually say the real N word
I said literally, “the N Word” but set ups aren’t allowed
But I guess that is what happens when you try real comedy
The comedians and promoters censor you from the crowd
I thought it was bad enough getting censored online
Vimeo removed all my videos as they said I was talking shite
So I have spent the past three years trying to catch up
Uploading over 10,000 videos I had made back to my site
As I couldn’t get gigs I put my material into six books
And I have even turned them all into music using AI
I have a lot of time on my hands as everyone hates me
Except for one group I speak at who talk about lines in the sky
A miracle happened when I got a spot at the Glasgow festival
I just hope the old crew don’t start with their witch hunts
I thought it worth applying for this award
So gie’s a fuckin’ break ya fuckin’stupid cunts
I guess the ending maybe spoiled my chances a bit. What do you think?
Should I have made the last twelve based on the criteria?
I think so, but then again, I’m biased.
Cheers!
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