See ma wife’s drivin’
It’s an absolute nichtmare
Nae matter where we go
A’ hiv grave doobts aboot oor gettin’ there
A’ try tae sit in silence
Allowin’ her tae take control
But then she has tae go an’ spoil it
By findin’ every fuckin’ pothole
A’ dinnae want tae infuriate her
By tellin’ her hoo tae drive
A’ jist want tae get oot the car
While a’ am still alive
At the end ae the road
Or if red traffic lichts are aheed
She begins tae accelerate
So a’ tell her she’s aff her heed
This only makes ‘hings worse
Noo she’s angry an’ behind the wheel
Aw that kin save me noo
Is guid fortune an’ rusty steel
Fur the rest ae the journey a’ sit
Wi’ sweaty palms an’ nervous feet
A’ ‘hink she gets some secret pleasure
Fae watchin’ me squirm in the red hot seat
Her specialty is on the motorway
When driving behind, say… a removal van
She waits until a’ am calm and serene
Then get’s as close as she fuckin’ can
‘Please slow doon’, a’ beg her
‘Or at least indicate tae overtake’
A’ asked her if she fucked her examiner
A’ ‘hink we kin aw agree…that wiz a big mistake
Noo she’s goin’ hell fur leather,
Ye ken, ye get used tae whiplash aftir a while
An’ a’ guess it wiz mare than a bit ironic
That a’ let oot a breakneck smile
We’ve no’ got far tae go noo
A’ ‘hink a’ am goin’ tae survive
So until the next time a’ need a lift hame fae the pub
A’ swear, she’s no’ goin’ tae drive
Cheers the noo!
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